Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.