Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.