If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.