I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full