50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??