me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
wtf is a larm clock?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time