Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path