Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You Might Also Like
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
this isn’t threatening at all
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”