didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You Might Also Like
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx