My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me doing my best
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down