6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
stand with me against insufficient seating
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me