An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Quadruple digit IQ
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.