After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant