Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice