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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My nickname in high school was “who?”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES