HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.