Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
#math
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”