Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Mornin
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this