Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…