Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality