My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Krampus.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?