When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot