Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“No way.” -Jose
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
had to make it
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…