1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You Might Also Like
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
6: are snakes just neck?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear