The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher