I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.