I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
What’s a Messi?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.