I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Breaking news:
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam