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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.