How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean