what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]