How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.