My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.