I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman