Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
uh oh
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
im all 3
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Mad Max Arctic Road
tis the season
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely