[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me, reading some of your tweets
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
spot the difference
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.