My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
You Might Also Like
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
let’s discuss
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Oceanography is all about current events
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.