*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep