I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol