*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.