[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”