HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I鈥檓 gonna need a minute
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 馃榾
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
There鈥檚 nothing my kid can鈥檛 do. Except anything I tell him.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C鈥檓on…please? You鈥檙e her offspring…she鈥檚 less likely to harm you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn鈥檛 know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Going back in time, y鈥檃ll need anything?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Knowing that Tolkien鈥檚 original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*