coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.