“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.