When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
look at me when i’m typing to you
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Our lord and savoury.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus