While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG