You Might Also Like
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week