“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this