By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
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This makes total sense…
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you