Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
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Don’t we all.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.